FORGOTTEN FILM: LOVELINES (1984)

LOVELINES was one of those films that I saw on the shelf of the video store on a regular basis, yet I never rented it. I think every store I had a membership card to carried it in the comedy section.

It wasn’t until recently, when I noticed a big increase in views at my Jonna Lee "What Ever Happened To" story that I reread it, and realized LOVELINES was one of the few things of hers I hadn’t seen. So, I tracked it down.

Released in 1984, the film is about students from rival high schools, Malibu High and Coldwater Canyon. They like to play pranks on each other. In one early scene, the girls break into the synchronized swimming team's locker room of the rival school and replace their bathing suits with those that break away when exposed to water. R rated wackiness ensues.

It took me a while to realize this is essentially an 80’s version of ROMEO AND JULIET. Piper (Mary Beth Evans) falls for Rick (Greg Bradford) who goes to the rival high school. They are both in competing bands at the big “Battle of the Bands”.

Here is Evans in a scene from that Battle



It took me a while to realize this because the film is so ineptly made that it has trouble sustaining a coherent plot. But there was a balcony scene where Piper is talking to herself about Rick, and he is below, so that kind of let me know what they were going for.

There are scenes that just seem to be thrown in there just to take up running time. There is one scene where a bunch of guys go to a porno theater with squirt guns. Howie Mandel used to have this as a joke in his act. But the scene is out of nowhere. Why?

There is a party scene where a girl has a duck puppet for no reason. Why?

The film also includes probably the most poorly staged car chase you are likely to see. They shoot all the interiors from cars that aren’t even moving. Plus, they even throw in a gratuitous fruit cart crash.

There is a climactic sword fighting scene (in case we hadn’t picked up the ROMEO AND JULIET parallels) all set to the theme from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Why?

The one saving grace in the film is Michael Winslow. Winslow, starring in his second Forgotten Film entry (after TAG: THE ASSASSINATION GAME) is essentially the host of the film. He talks to the camera and runs “Lovelines”, a talk line that supposedly all the characters call.

Honestly, I think Winslow’s character was added after the film was shot as it has no real relation to anything in the film. He just shows up every once in a while, does some of his funny sound effects (and a pretty good Cheech and Chong) to the camera and disappears.

LOVELINES was directed by Rodney Amateau. Amateau had a long career in Hollywood, directing episodic TV in the 50’s (including producing and directing DOBIE GILLIS) and directing such 80’s films as SIX PACK and HIGH SCHOOL USA. LOVELINES would be his next to last film. He would follow it up with THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE.

Lead Mary Beth Evans, who is very good, wouldn’t have another leading role in a feature film. She DID however become very popular as Kayla on DAYS OF OUR LIVES , a role she has been playing for 20 years. Since I watched DAYS back in the 80’s, I remembered her.

Greg Bradford, the male lead, you would probably recognize as he seemed to play every preppy in 80’s films. He starred in a couple episodes of FACTS OF LIFE as well as ZAPPED. In the 90’s, he, surprisingly, edited and composed several adult films, using a pseudonym!

Also in the cast are Tammy Taylor (MEATBALLS 2) and while I didn’t notice him, Miguel Ferrer is listed in the credits in one of his early roles.

As for Jonna Lee, she plays a drummer in Mary Beth’s band. She has a couple funny scenes (one where she attempts to light a cracker) but she must have been off shooting MAKING THE GRADE (released the same year) since she disappears for long stretches of time.

Released by Tri-Star, I really see no reason for Sony to rush to release this on DVD. I have a very high tolerance for 80’s films, especially those that have break dance scenes, but even I had trouble making it through this one.

It isn’t funny. It isn’t entertaining. It isn’t anything.