FORGOTTEN FILM: CLUB LIFE (1985)

The things I do for this blog.

I would say that CLUB LIFE is the worst film that I have written about in this series, but then I remembered that MUGSY’S GIRLS was one of the first films I wrote about. That film was unwatchable, while CLUB LIFE is so bad, that I urge everyone with an extra $3 and can find a used copy while still available to seek this out and see just how bad it is.

Where to begin with this one? Ok, a plot synopsis.

Cal (Tom Parsekian who wouldn’t do much after this) is a motocross rider in Asbury Park New Jersey (probably the only New Jersey town the writers could think of). He leaves his girlfriend behind and heads to Hollywood. I don’t quite remember why, as there wasn’t a motocross tournament. I think he just wanted to start up a non motocross career.

In Hollywood, he becomes a bouncer at “The City” nightclub. The nightclub is run by Tony Curtis. I would say he was slumming, but looking over his filmography, I think for every SOME LIKE IT HOT he has ten films as bad as this.

Tony Curtis is being strong armed by the mafia, to take over his nightclub. He won’t let them, even though he is behind on his two mortgages and the mafia has just taken the notes over. Part of his problem could be because of his monthly neon bills. The film is fueled by neon. Every scene has some sort of neon in it. A neon company is even thanked in the end credits.

At one point, he actually delivers the following line to the mafia thugs “You can take your linguini and stick it up your nose!” I swear! Actual line of dialogue!

Quentin Tarantino favorite Michael Parks plays the bartender. He befriends Cal, and sort of turns into Mr. Miyagi, teaching him how to fight. This all comes in handy when Parks is killed by the mafia thugs. He manages to give one of the worst death scenes imaginable as well, all in front of a wall of mirrors.

Now the funeral scene for Parks has to be seen to be believed. After a few words are spoken, a singer takes the stage and sings this cheesy 80’s song! In its entirety! Cal is so broken up that he has to leave the club, and goes to work for Pat Ast’s lesbian club.

Oh, wait!! I forgot to mention, the voice overs!! At times for no reason, Cal gives a voice over about his thoughts about what is going on. And then, his girlfriend decides to head to L.A., and she starts to do voice over about her thoughts! At times, they intercut between the two, each doing voice over!! It is the most amazing thing. Clearly, the filmmakers realized that what they shot made no sense so they had to do something to explain it.

I was watching this film for a future story about something else, and bought it blind. But it turns out, I had seen one scene from this years ago on late night cable in the 80’s (where according to someone on the IMDB it played under a different name). In that scene, Cal and his girlfriend have a love scene on top of a see through glowing neon water mattress filled with fish!! The scene is shot through the mattress. I saw that twenty years ago, and it was so strange, I never forgot it.

What else about this film? Oh wait!! I didn’t even mention the best thing!!

After Parks dies, Cal decides to avenge him. And what does he use? Parks has left behind his neon filled nunchuks!! Really!!!! He has these big training montages with them. After one of these montages, he goes to Curtis and says the following line of dialogue “If we go down, let’s go down kicking ass and screaming!!”

There is so much other great stuff about this film so I will just list it.

THE MUSICAL NUMBERS - There are three or four 80’s pop songs that are played in their entirety in scene after scene. Characters dance to the song and we hear it all. At times, it feels like it wants to be a musical, or at least an episode of SOLID GOLD.

THE CAR CRASH - A scene with a car leaving a parking lot and crashing into other cars is completely predictable. Why? The film was made in 1984, yet every car in the parking lot is from the 50’s 0r 60’s, obviously junk cars the producers picked up for the scene. Why else would they be there?

MORE DIALOGUE - From late in the film, a line delivered by Cal “We just drifted into this...(spitting out word) TINSLETOWN, and we couldn’t find our way out!”

DEE WALLACE - ET’s mom even appears as Tony’s girlfriend. She sings a song too.

MULLETS - Do you miss the mullet? I think it was in the contract that everyone had to have one.

I don’t even know if I am doing this film justice (I didn't even get to the drug addiction subplot). It is so deliriously goofy that I wish it was released on DVD. Writer / Director Norman Thaddeus Vane seems to have only done direct to video horror films. Can’t say I’ve even heard of anything else he has made. They can’t be as good as this though.

It is on VHS from Prism (in a video box that says “Direct from theatrical release to home video!” I don’t remember that there was any other way of releasing films to VHS).

Troma has a distribution credit on the box, so I guess they own the film. It is a lot slicker than a Troma film so it is obvious they just picked up distribution. But it is just as bad.

Again, if you have the $3 to buy this film on Amazon, and you love bad films, you are in for a treat.